Complicated
by Cutieqtpie
Summary: Takes place after "Supplies and Demands"; alternate "If I Should Fall From Grace"


****PLEASE REVIEW****   
  
Kinda contains spoilers for "If I Should Fall From Grace"   
  
Takes place after "Supplies and Demands." I added the last scene of Carby interaction in SaD into the first part of my story to give you better understanding as you read my story. Anything that is said in this has absolutely nothing to do with "If I Should Fall From Grace." I said everything in this story before Susan did in Grace, so it's only coincidence. I was actually kinda disappointed that we didn't get to hear what Carter said to Susan, so this is sorta my alternate Grace.   
  
Please visit my website: http://www.geocities.com/incognito0686 - I post stories there more frequently than I do on fanfiction.net and there's also a lot of other stuff on my site.   
  
Thanks to Jen, who was the first person to read this story and who also recommended the song.   
  
Song is "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson   
  
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"I got asked out by a fireman today."   
  
"Really? The ankle guy"   
  
"Yeah. Hard to believe? He's good looking"   
  
"Big?"   
  
"Funny"   
  
"Invite me to the nuptials."   
  
"Alright, you have to help me out. I don't know what to do. Rub your back. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do here."   
  
"Well I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to comment on your love life."   
  
"I said no - because I was waiting for something to happen - with us"   
  
"You've been waiting? You haven't been doing much to move it forward."   
  
"No, you gave me an ultimatum. You stood right there and gave me an ultimatum. I did what you asked and you've done nothing."   
  
"What did I ask you to do?"   
  
"I broke up with Luka."   
  
"First of all, you didn't break up with Luka for me. Second of all, you didn't break up with Luka."   
  
"Really, cause I'm pretty sure I did."   
  
"Then why do you care so much about what he does or what he thinks or who he helps or what he thinks about you?"   
  
"I dated the guy for a year, there's gonna be some history."   
  
"Maybe too much history"   
  
"Well yeah I had a life before John Carter. If you want someone with no history you'll have to find yourself a virgin."   
  
"No, I'll settle for someone who isn't hung up on someone else."   
  
"You don't have to settle for anything Carter."   
  
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I'm so scared that   
The way that I feel   
Is written all over my face   
When you walk into the room   
I wanna find a hiding place   
We used to laugh   
We used to hug   
The way that old friends do   
But now a smile and   
A touch of your hand   
Just make me come unglued   
It's such a contradiction   
Do I lie or tell the truth?   
Is it fact or fiction   
The way I feel for you?   
  
It's so complicated   
I'm so frustrated   
I wanna hold you close   
I wanna push you away   
I wanna make you go   
I wanna make you stay   
Should I say it   
Should I tell you   
How I feel?   
Oh, I want you to know   
But then again I don't   
It's so complicated.   
  
Just when I think   
I'm under control   
I think I finally got a grip   
Another friend tells me that   
My name is always   
On your lips   
They say I'm more   
Than just a friend   
They say I must be blind   
Well I admit that   
I've seen you watch me   
From the corner of your eye   
Oh it's so confusing   
I wish you'd just confess   
But think of what I'd be losing   
If your answer wasn't yes   
  
I hate it 'cause   
I've waited so long   
For someone like you   
Should I say it   
Should I tell you   
How I feel?   
Oh I want you to know   
But then again I don't   
It's so complicated   
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Why had she said it? Why couldn't she hold her feelings in any more? What had she expected his response to be? The part that bothered her though was the fact that he had talked to her like a little child. He had been the impatient adult wanting to get something productive done and was instead listening to the whining of a young child. She had been trying to have a breakthrough with her emotional feelings and tell someone what she actually thought and he had brushed her aside. She waited too long. That was the problem. She hadn't realized at some point he wouldn't be there. He would be off with Susan Lewis, doing Yoga and getting back massages. Or talking about her love life, as that seemed to be another important issue between the two.   
  
All these thoughts ran through Abby's head as she walked home. The last words that Carter had said had hurt her the most. She couldn't let him see what he had done to her though. She was stronger than that. But she couldn't control herself anymore as she got to her apartment, and as she walked inside and closed the door she leaned back and could feel hot tears falling down her face. She got angry at herself for crying and tried to wipe the tears away but they wouldn't stop coming. She grabbed the blanket off of her sofa and kicked off her shoes while walking towards her bedroom. She didn't even bother to change her clothes and she lay down on her bed and brought the blanket up around her neck. The last thing she remembered was one single tear running down her cheek before she was totally asleep.   
  
The next morning when Abby woke up, the first thing she noticed was that she still had the clothes she had been wearing the night before on. She groaned and rolled out of bed. Walking into the bathroom, she noticed her face was all puffy and red. She turned on the shower and stepped in, letting the warm water run over her entire body. As she emerged twenty minutes later, she looked in the mirror again and shook her head. There was obviously something repulsive about herself that no one was attracted to. Quickly, she brushed her teeth and walked into her closet. She slid on a pair of jeans and a dark maroon turtleneck shirt, and a pair of boots that came to her ankles. She grabbed a jacket and headed out. She went to the coffee shop that was around the corner from her apartment and after getting a cup, she walked towards the lake.   
  
Could it have only been the night before that she had been standing here with Carter? Nothing was the same now. She thought how amazing it was that things could change so much in such a short period of time. She sat on a bench and drank her coffee and looked at the water. Only a couple weeks before the weather had still been warm. Now it was windy. A voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts.   
  
"Abby, I thought that was you." Abby looked up and realized someone was standing there talking to her.   
  
"Oh, hi Dr. Greene." Abby said with a small smile.   
  
"No offense, but you look like hell."   
  
"Yeah, I feel like it too." Abby said, taking another sip of her coffee.   
  
"So what's the matter?"   
  
"Uh, it's kind of a personal issue."   
  
"Guy problems?" Mark asked, smiling.   
  
"Is it that obvious."   
  
"Do I know the guy?"   
  
"Uh, yeah." Abby answered finally caving in and answering his original question.   
  
"Well by process of elimination I can figure out who it is and by the way I've seen him looking at you I can tell you your feelings are probably returned."   
  
"That's not the problem anymore." Abby said shaking head and then with a sigh started to explain the whole situation. "Last May he told me he didn't want to wait on the sidelines for Luka and I to break up and he didn't want to wish bad things for us."   
  
"Well, you and Luka aren't together anymore…"   
  
"I know, and I tried to tell him that last night, but he blew me off."   
  
"Maybe he just needs a little time to think about all his feelings."   
  
"Ha. Six months ago he wanted to be with me. Now he can't stand to be anywhere near me."   
  
"I don't think that's true."   
  
"Yeah, well. It doesn't matter anymore."   
  
"Don't give up so fast. Take it from me."   
  
"Thanks Dr. Greene."   
  
"No problem. What time are you on?"   
  
"Not til 11. I just thought I'd come enjoy the cool weather before heading in."   
  
"Good idea. My shift starts in 15 minutes, so I guess I better get going. Nice talking to you."   
  
"Yeah, you too. And again, thank you."   
  
"I just want to see Carter happy. He's had a bad couple of years and I can see he's happy when he's with you." Mark smiled one more time and walked away. Abby took the last two sips of her coffee stood up to throw the cup away. She sighed again and wrapped her arms around herself and started walking.   
  
She didn't even realize she had gotten to the hospital until she looked up and realized she was standing in the ambulance bay. As she walked through the doors, she pulled off her jacket and walked into the lounge. She opened her locker and put her jacket inside and after looking at her watch again, grabbed a book that was sitting in the back of the locker and went to sit on the sofa chair. She was so absorbed in the book that she didn't notice when the door to the lounge opened and Luka came in.   
  
"Good book?" Luka asked, walking over to his own locker.   
  
"Yeah, unfortunately I just realized I think I've read it before. It was the only thing in my locker I could find to keep me occupied for a little while." Abby said with a little smile.   
  
"What time are you on?"   
  
"Eleven. So I guess I only have," Abby stopped and looked at her watch, "twenty more minutes."   
  
"Yeah, I'm on at eleven also. I'm going to go find something to do now though. Uh, you want to get a cup of coffee at Doc Magoo's?"   
  
"Uh, no thanks. I've already had two cups this morning and I don't think a third is a good idea."   
  
"Okay, I'll see you later. Bye." Luka said and left the room. Abby knew he was just trying to be nice, but she wasn't in the mood today. She started reading the book again. The door opened, but Abby didn't pay any attention to who came in. The person didn't talk to Abby either. As he went to leave again, Abby finally spoke up.   
  
"Are we going to pretend like nothing happened again?" Abby asked, still looking down at her book.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"Are we going to do what we did last time and go on like nothing changed" Abby repeated and looked up at John this time.   
  
"Come on Abby."   
  
"No, you come on Carter. I'm sick of this. Look what's happened with us. We can hardly be in the same room together."   
  
"And whose fault is that?"   
  
"Mine I guess because I didn't rush into your arms in May like you obviously wanted me to. I didn't run away from Luka like you expected. Well I'm sorry, I don't do that to people." Abby was close to screaming.   
  
"Do you want me to feel sorry for you? I'm not going to do that and you know it." Carter screamed back. "You know what, just take back anything I ever said to you. I don't care what you do with your life Abby, it's your life. I was trying to be a friend and then I realized that I didn't want to be your friend anymore and I wanted to be with you. Yep, you were with Luka. I didn't ask you not to be with him anymore, I only told you my feelings. I'm sorry if that disturbed you, I thought you should know the truth." Carter yelled and stomped out of the room and let the door slam behind him.   
  
Abby walked back to her locker and put the book away. She took out her stethoscope and hung it around her neck and adjusted her nurse's scrubs. She calmly closed the door and walked out into the ER. The first thing she noticed was that Randi was just standing there staring at her. She shook her head and started walking away when a trauma came through the doors. Abby ran to help and didn't notice when another doctor came over to help as well.   
  
"What do we have?" Carter asked rushing towards the gurney that was heading towards a trauma room.   
  
"Margo Rawlings. Six years old. Got hit by a car."   
  
"How long has she been down?"   
  
"Twenty-five minutes."   
  
"Okay, move her on my count. One, two three." Everyone pulled the small girl up and onto the other bed. All of a sudden there was a loud beeping in the room.   
  
"She crashing." Abby screamed to Carter.   
  
"Get the paddles. Charge to 50. Clear." Carter put the paddles on the girls chest and started to shock her heart.   
  
"No response."   
  
"Charge to 100. Clear." Carter continued to try to resuscitate her.   
  
"Still nothing."   
  
"Charge to 200."   
  
"Carter…" Abby said slowly.   
  
"Charge to 200."   
  
"Carter." Abby repeated and placed her hand on his arm.   
  
"Come on. Charge it." Carter screamed and ignored Abby.   
  
"Carter, call it." Abby said softly.   
  
"We can still get her back."   
  
"Carter."   
  
"Time of death. 11:56." Carter said, taking off his gloves and throwing them on the floor, and with that he stormed out of the room. Abby watched him go and then turned to another nurse.   
  
"Are the parents here?" Abby asked.   
  
"The mother is in chairs." The nurse replied. Abby walked out of the room and towards the chairs.   
  
"Mrs. Rawlings?" Abby called out.   
  
"That's me. How's Margo?" The scared mother stood up and walked towards Abby.   
  
"How about we step over here." After they had walked away from the busy lobby, Abby faced the mother.   
  
"Where's Margo?" The mother asked again.   
  
"When Margo came in she was unconscious. Her heart rate drastically dropped and we tried to get her heart started again. I'm afraid her injuries were too severe, however."   
  
"Where's my baby?"   
  
"I'm sorry. We couldn't stabilize her. She passed away." Abby said softly.   
  
"Nooooooo." The mother screamed and started sobbing.   
  
"I'm very sorry." Abby said and tried to comfort her. After showing her into the room where Margo was, Abby decided to take a break. She grabbed her jacket from the lounge and stepped outside. As she walked through the doors, she reached into the jacket and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. As she put the cigarette to her mouth and let the smoke fill her mouth she looked over and realized Carter was sitting on a bench in the ambulance bay.   
  
"There was no way she could have survived. Even if you did get a heart beat, she would have been brain dead." Abby said, walking over to him.   
  
"Yeah, I know." John said, burying his head in his hands.   
  
"Don't beat yourself up about it."   
  
"I said I know." Carter said, looking up and getting annoyed.   
  
"Fine. What time are you off?"   
  
"Now you're being friendly?" Carter said sarcastically.   
  
"Just making conversation." Abby said and puffed another drag on her cigarette.   
  
"Well excuse me if I rather not."   
  
"I don't want to fight again." Abby said, after taking one more puff and then disposing of the cigarette.   
  
"Neither do I." Carter said shaking his head.   
  
"I just don't want things to be like this, where we can't talk anymore." Abby said turning away.   
  
"We've already had this discussion."   
  
"Yeah, but it got nothing accomplished."   
  
"What do you want accomplished Abby? You want everything to go back to the way it was. Things are never going to be like that. There are too many other things in the way now."   
  
"Susan."   
  
"That's what this is about isn't it?"   
  
"Give me a break."   
  
"Haha. You're jealous of Susan Lewis." Carter said and smiled for the first time all day.   
  
"Hmph." Abby looked angrily at Carter and turned around and went back inside. Carter stayed outside for a couple more minutes laughing and then he too walked back inside.   
  
  
After Carter walked back inside he walked into the lounge and noticed Susan shutting her locker.   
  
"You off now?" Carter asked.   
  
"Yeah. You?" Susan responded, looking over at him.   
  
"Yep, just got off."   
  
"You want to go to Doc Magoo's and get something to eat. I'm really in the mood for greasy French fries and I've heard nothing's changed over there." Susan said smiling.   
  
"Uh, yeah, sure. Let me put my stuff away and we'll go." Carter said, smiling in response and quickly put his stuff in his locker. As they went to leave, John saw that Abby was standing at the front desk and caught her eye and gave her a smile. He watched her shake his head as he walked out the door with Susan. As they found a booth and the waitress came to take their orders, Susan looked at Carter and smiled.   
  
"It's so strange. It feels like I've been gone forever and that I've never left all at the same time." Susan said.   
  
"Personally, it feels like you've been gone forever. It is hard to believe it's been five years though."   
  
"I figured you'd be married with a few kids by now."   
  
"Ha. I'm lucky if I have a girlfriend." Carter said with a smile.   
  
"So. Are you going to tell me why you won't take any pain medication when it is so obvious that you are in pain?" Susan questioned after a few moments.   
  
"You still want to hear it?"   
  
"Yeah, come on." Susan pleaded.   
  
"Fine. Two years ago I had a med student. Lucy Knight. She was great. I never gave her enough credit though. Anyways, on Valentine's Day we had this patient, Paul Sobriki. He was schizophrenic, but I figured Lucy could handle him by herself. I walked into the room that she had been in and I noticed something on the floor. I went to pick it up and as I came up I felt something go into my back. I fell forward and as I hit the ground I saw Lucy lying on the other side of the room. She was covered in blood but she was looking at me, pleading with her eyes to explain why this was happening. I tried to keep my eyes open, but the pain became too much and I passed out. That was the last time I saw Lucy."   
  
"Wow, I had no idea." Susan said, shocked.   
  
"The story isn't even done yet." Carter said sadly. "I was told it was Kerry who found us. When I got out of surgery, I found out Lucy was dead. I knew it though. Looking into her eyes as I was lying on the floor, I knew she was dead. I was in physical therapy for a while but I was taking a lot of medication because that was the only way to get rid of the pain that wouldn't go away."   
  
"Oh no." Susan gasped and realized what was going to be said next.   
  
"I became addicted to narcotics. I even was so low that I would steal it off of patients. Abby found me shooting up in an exam room one day and told Mark. He, Peter Benton, Kerry, and Deb Chen formed an intervention and got me onto a plane to Atlanta, where I spent three months in drug rehab."   
  
"I wish I had known."   
  
"Why? It wouldn't have changed anything."   
  
"Yeah, but it's better than not knowing."   
  
"I don't want people to feel sorry for me because this happened." Carter said, and Susan knew the conversation was over.   
  
"So, what's the deal with Abby? She always seems like she's holding something back." Susan said, changing the subject.   
  
"She's had a rough life. Her mom is bipolar, her ex-husband had an affair and then left her, and she just broke up with Luka."   
  
"You two are cute together."   
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"I know you don't want to be the rebound guy, but I think you have feelings for her and I don't think you should let your instincts get in the way of the fact that there is obviously chemistry and you should take a chance."   
  
"Do you know she's jealous of you?" Carter said, smiling.   
  
"Why?" Susan asked, intrigued.   
  
"She thinks there's something between you and me."   
  
"What did you tell her?"   
  
"I just laughed. What do you think?"   
  
"That you really have changed since I've been gone." Susan said, looking closely at Carter.   
  
"Did you know that I used to have the biggest crush on you?"   
  
"Yeah, but I was a resident, you were a med student. For what it's worth, I did think you were cute, though." Susan said with a smile, which made Carter smile too. Carter summoned the waitress for the check and after paying the bill for the two of them, they both got up to leave. As they walked out the door and were about to go their separate ways, Carter spoke up.   
  
"I'm glad you're back."   
  
"Yeah, I'm glad I'm back too. Don't wait too long to tell Abby how you feel, she may find someone else." Susan said and after giving Carter a quick hug, walked in the opposite direction. Carter watched her leave then smiled, turned around, and went home. 


End file.
